Wisdom and Humor Online

The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotations. –Benjamin Disraeli

Here are a few great ones.

  • I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much  faster now!
  • You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
  • Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they  drink like their fathers.
  • You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That’s common sense leaving your body.
  • I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
  • I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
  • Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
  • I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
  • Old age is coming at a really bad time!
  • When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment… now, as a grown  up, it just feels like a small vacation!
  • The biggest lie I tell myself is… “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
  • Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, & the friends to post my bail when I  finally snap!
  •  I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.
  •  My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
  •  Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
  • At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why.
  • Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
  • I’ve lost my mind, but I’m pretty sure my wife took it!
  • Even duct tape can’t fix stupid… but it can muffle the sound!
  • Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

    From the Internet

One thought on “Wisdom and Humor Online

  1. “I am easily satisfied with the very Best” Winston Churchill.

    We don’t want good sound arguments, we want arguments that sound good.

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